To the mother who left her little boy at Starbucks this morning

photo by Ryan McGuire

Here's what I'd like to say: How could you?

Here's what I will say: All parents are human. I hope it gets easier for you to be patient and to discipline your child with empathy and not with fear. Until then, let the rest of us help a little. Because we will.

Here's what happened:  Working at Starbucks this morning, I headed over to the noisiest corner of the coffeeshop, the one with the outlet. The corner was loud because a little boy, adorable and maybe almost three years old, was pitching a not-so-adorable fit.

Mom: Okay, time to leave.
Boy: I wanna stay.
Mom: Well, it really is time to leave, we have things to do, so come on, do you want to leave now?
Boy: No. 
Mom: Well, I'm sad that you're one of those boys who doesn't do what he's told.
Boy: I'm sad. I hate you. 
Mom: I'm sad you use those naughty words.
It went on and on like this and—after wondering why the mother didn't just pull rank and strap the kid in his stroller and go—I decided to mind my own beeswax and made a work call.

Five or 10 minutes later, I looked up from my interview and saw the little boy just standing there, no mother in sight. The guy next to me and I exchanged looks. "Where'd the mom go?" I asked him, "Is she...gone?" Noticing the boy, a Starbucks barista left his post to come see what was up, just barely making it to the door before the little boy tried to push his way out onto the busy New York sidewalk.

The three of us, perhaps all parents—but certainly all one-time scared children—circled up around the boy. A grandmotherly woman near the window shook her head and pointed: "She's at the fruit stand, down the street." And, there she was, the mom, buying bananas, acting bananas, almost a full block away. I walked the boy out and over to his mother. Was I doing the right thing? Should I bite my tongue? I tried to catch her eye but couldn't. Right away, hands on hips, she shouted at the boy, full of sarcasm. I let go of his wrist and wished I'd thought to hold his hand, to squeeze it and connect in some way, especially when I heard her explanation: "See? That's what happens when you don't want to leave when Mommy leaves, naughty boy." She'd done it on purpose. To punish him.

Now, I have no idea what's going on in this woman's life to make her act this way. And as I walked away, reluctantly, I was gutted for this child. Should I have called the police? Would that have made his life better, or worse? Worse, I'm guessing. So I went back in to the Starbucks, to my table, where I'd left my laptop, my phone, my wallet, and went on with my day. I was sad, but I was also oddly reassured that once again I'd felt the welcome pain that parenthood gives you: That feeling that everyone, everyone is someone's child, that we are all responsible in some way for caring for each other. The barista had felt it. The businessman next to me, and the grandmother too. I hope that that frayed mom and every mother knows—at work, in life, at the corner coffeeshop—We've got your back. Just let us help.

5 perfect things to say to a friend just back from maternity leave

I rediscovered this note recently, sent to me on my first day back at work by a dear girlfriend who knew just what I needed to hear—and she hadn't even had kids yet! I am not similarly blessed in the perfect-words-on-demand department, but my research for The Fifth Trimester has taught me several more....

"Don't worry about calling me back!" Call, email, text, do it all to show her that you're thinking of her—but always include the clarification that this is a message of love, not one meant to be added to her to-call-back list.

"Can I give you a ride?" I surveyed hundreds of new moms and found out that their commutes were measurably more stressful during their first few months back at work. If you can give your friend a ride, offering her found time so she can pump in the passenger seat, or do a work call so she can leave a bit early, or grab a nap, or just talk? That's lifesaver territory.

"There's no one 'right' way to feel right now." Some new working moms are wracked with guilt about working. Others feel guilty for loving the (very adult, nicely clothed, actually-hot coffee-sipping) escape that work provides. However your friend feels, help her know that it's normal.

"I blame America." Here's how this one goes: She complains about her boss, or her husband, or her mother. You listen, of course—these can be really fraught relationships during the Fifth Trimester. It's tempting at this moment to fuel her boss-bashing with a rising chorus of "hell yeahs." But if that just makes her angrier, are you really helping? After all, she has to face this person tomorrow—and do good work for him/her. So instead do what one reproductive psychiatrist I interviewed suggests: Listen, tell her she's right to feel the way that she does, and then go macro. Help your friend see that the inequities she's dealing with are not normal out there in the rest of the universe, where paid parental leave and nursing in public are standard. She's the sane one. American culture is to blame. (And by making it through the Fifth Trimester, she can help change that culture from within.)

Guess where women were fined $300 a day for taking maternity leave

photo by Ryan McGuire

Canada. Yes, Canada, land of one-year maternity leaves, and a prime minister who calls himself a feminist, and a massive uptick in Google searches on how to move there that followed last week's Republican presidential debate. Even Canada didn't have its act together about parental leave just 25 short years ago.

I will go ahead and plead completely ignorant about Canadian politics, but....There's a Member of the Legislative Assembly, Linda Reid, who just celebrated her 25th anniversary in the B.C. legislature. The Richmond News, in British Columbia, did a fantastic interview  with Reid in which she recalled her dogged infiltration of a boys' club as Richmond's first elected woman. Her request for a ladies' restroom was just the beginning. When she had her daughter, she realized there was not only no maternity leave offered, but that she'd be fined $300 per day that she was out. "It was just bizarre," Reid told Richmond News reporter Matthew Hoekstra. "I said to Gordon Campbell, who was then leader of the Opposition [and later went on to become the Premier of British Columbia], 'If we ever get to government that's one of the first things we're changing.' I think he decided you shouldn't argue with a postpartum woman." True that.

Canada actually had had some form of maternity leave since 1921 but it took until 2001 for the Employment Insurance system (maternity leave) to resemble the plan in place today. Along the way, parental leave expanded to include fathers and adoptive mothers. It took time.

I suspect that paid parental leave will also take time in the United States, as much as I would love for the FAMILY Act to catapult us into the modern age in one swift beat. But we'll get there. If every baby step is a victory, then every woman who speaks up, who points out inequities, is like a mother leaning over that baby, holding his hands as he toddles.

Lessons on working-mom anxiety from Zika (yes, from Zika)

While researching my book over the past many months, I've gotten to know the Seleni Institute, an absolutely one-of-kind resource for maternal mental wellness. I can't tell you how much I wish this place had opened its doors two years earlier when I really needed it. Seleni provides counseling for depression, anxiety, fertility struggles, and miscarriage, along with parenting help, breastfeeding support groups—and acupuncture and massage. Even its wallpaper is soothing. 

Recently, Seleni has fielded many calls from panic-stricken women about the Zika virus, which can have devastating effects on a developing fetus. This week, I sat in on a training session Seleni hosted for therapists on how to counsel these women, and I was struck that so much of what was suggested is just plain old good advice for anyone whose worrying is getting in the way of their work or their mothering. Things like:

Get out of your head and into your body: To stop the vicious cycle of rumination over a worry (which can make it worse), try distracting yourself with a mindful use of one of your five senses: a warm shower on your skin, a nice-smelling lotion for your hands. "These things sound very simple, but they distract in a healthy way," says Seleni psychologist Shara Marrero Brofman, PsyD.

Have an elevator speech ready for anxious family and friends: You know what makes anxiety worse? Having other people anxious for you. To give yourself some reassuring control, realize that most people's nosiness comes from a place of kindness and concern, and formulate a little response you can have ready. You might want a one-liner for people you aren't that close to ("Thank you for your concern") as well as a longer version for people like your mom, who might just need to be told that you've thought things through in an informed way. 

And most of all, worry well. "It's not realistic to tell people not to worry, but we can help them contain that worry," says Seleni clinical director Christiane Manzella, PhD. Worrying can become a compulsion, but so can reassurance. One suggestion: Set aside a time to worry. "Tell yourself, okay, I'm going to use part of my lunchtime at work to go online and look at only these two websites," says Dr. Manzella. By giving the worrying some boundaries you'll keep it from creeping into every moment of your day.
 

What a 20-day maternity leave post C-section looks like

Most of the time, what you'll read on this blog is my own work, but I was blown away by the simple, beautiful, unsettling urgency of Jessica Shortall's piece for The Atlantic Monthly online today. This one can't be missed. Tara, the woman she profiles, has only 20 days—cobbled together from vacation time—to take away from her job. Because of the size of her company, she is not covered by FMLA. Because her husband has a chronic illness, she cannot afford to take any days unpaid. This is her roller-coaster of a story: from panic, to joy, to resignation. 

How Bethesda might get the whole U.S. paid parental leave

photo by Benji Aird

Back in September, the United States Department of Labor's Women's Bureau issued $1.55M in grants to eight regions around America to study the viability of local paid family leave programs. The goal? To research, "how paid leave programs can be developed and implemented across the country." Which is awesome. I'm going to be watching those eight regions and reporting back here on how it's all going. 

One of those communities is Montgomery County, Maryland, where, last month, district 16 Del. Ariana Kelly brought a bill forward that looks very, very similar to the federally proposed FAMILY Act: Funded by a payroll tax (to avoid a burden on businesses), the plan would create a state-run insurance fund to give workers 12 weeks off of work, at two-thirds pay, to care for a family member. At the hearing for the bill on Tuesday, Kelly appealed not just to desperate mothers and fathers—but also to the local businesses that she knows her district's economy depends on: "I'm not just a family person. I'm an employer," Kelly said. "I've been both the pregnant employee who needs paid maternity leave and the employer who does not know how she's going to pay for that."

Stay tuned. This goes to committee next week, and Kelly says she plans to reveal some of the findings of the Department of Labor study. And yes, that's a bloggy T5T cliffhanger.

What?! Paid menstrual leave is happening.

Photo credit: Puno3000 via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND

I think we've found one way we actually don't want America to catch up with the rest of the world. Yesterday, a province near Shanghai began offering women days off of work specifically for menstrual cramps. When I first read that, I assumed that this particular Google alert was just a wacky random little factoid that somehow had gotten trapped in the search engine colander. But nope. Turns out paid menstrual leave is available in several Asian countries, including Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, and Taiwan.

Lena D. in designer Rachel Antonoff's Madame Ovary sweater

First thought: Okay, it's nice to remove the stigma of period pain, which can be challenging to work through. 
Second thought: But why not just call it a sick day?

Lena Dunham, bless her fearlessness, has become an outspoken poster child for a major culprit of period pain, endometriosis, which affects up to 1 in 10 women during their reproductive years and can cause infertility. That's heroic. We should applaud anyone who helps galvanize society to seek out understanding, awareness, and research about a debilitating illness. 

But for perspective, here's a quick list of other things that affect 10% (or more) of the population:
- Migraines
- Anxiety disorders
- Irritable Bowel Disease
Should any of these conditions receive their own specifically branded paid leave? No way. If you have a migraine or ungodly cramps, you should be able to take a paid sick day—or even disability if you need it. But in practice, just like with paid parental leave, these kind of benefits come down to culture, an understanding that we are humans who work, not workers who happen to be human. 

Reproductive-age working women do not need a fetishization of our periods as something we cannot handle. We need—just like men need—businesses that are set-up to accommodate these very human moments: sickness, childbirth, infancy, eldercare. All that stuff is in the same bucket, a bucket that everyone dips into at some point. As soon as we can see the similarities of our needs—rather than our differences—we'll all truly benefit from our benefits. 

Secret work weapon: New mom humor

Shout-out to my favorite coffee shop, Macaron Parlour

In a recent New York Business Journal article about the new ways "executives and companies embrace the funny," the CEO of Peppercomm, a marketing and communications firm, predicted: "Joy will be 2016's new black." That is really excellent news for new mothers returning to work.

Life, when you're under-slept and overworked, and hormonal, can make you cry, sure, but it can also make you laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Go with that, even if it means exposing your weaknesses, because...
1) Humor makes you better at work: One survey by finance and accounting firm Robert Half showed that nearly 4 out of 5 CFOs, "said that an employee's sense of humor plays an important role in how well he or she fits in with a company's corporate culture." And, 
2) Laughter is good postpartum therapy: A 2011 study out of Korea found that laughter therapy (sign me up, please) helped alleviate postpartum fatigue and stress in new mothers.

Bottom line: Life just handed you a whole bassinet full of material. Don't be afraid to use it.
 

What your baby is really thinking while you're at work

It's pretty clear what my younger son Teddy was thinking about in this video from a few years back. But don't you wonder what else is going on in your baby's cute little noggin? Especially when you're out of kissing distance, at work? I sure did.

Here's what we know babies think:

"Hey, why'd that happen?" This recent study, in the journal Science, found that babies as young as two months old make their own hypotheses about the world around them. When infants watched an object do something unexpected (like defy gravity), they examined it carefully, seemingly testing its solidity and weight.
The working mama takeaway: Babies are learning constantly from the simplest things in the world around them—whether or not you're the one sitting there at the highchair with them.

"Gross, no way will I eat that!" Proving that there are research grants out there for almost anything, a group of scientists at The University of Chicago are studying how "contamination context" affects babies' and children's food preferences. The research, which is ongoing, will include infants, but so far has shown that toddlers are less likely to eat something if they think someone has sneezed on it!
The working mama takeaway: Self preservation is real. Even when you're not there, your baby is looking out for his well-being.

"I totally have an opinion about that." I loved this piece, by CNN digital correspondent and editor-at-large Kelly Wallace, about how even the tiniest babies can tell right from wrong. Wallace even talked to one mother who who recalled how her baby would appear "ticked off" whenever she saw a family portrait that had been taken before she'd been born. As soon as it was replaced on the wall with an updated version, the baby responded happily. Indeed, research out of Yale University's Infant Cognition Center shows that even three-month-old babies can start to intuit the differences between good and evil.
The working mama takeaway: Trust your gut on your caregivers. But pay attention to your baby's cues too. If they're happy, it's for good reason.

It's good for moms when dads brag about their skills

Mark Zuckerberg, as you know, is back in his hoodie at Facebook after his two-month paternity leave. But he's continuing to be loud and proud about being a new (and involved) daddy to baby daughter Max. In Berlin to receive an award last week, Zuck bragged adorably on German TV that he is a speed demon at diaper changing: "I got it down to 20 seconds, which I think is pretty good," he said, explaining that he'd been timing himself to improve his skills. Timing himself, friends.

I'm going to go ahead and admit that if my husband had ever made such a statement—especially when our son was three months old and I was headed back to work with mixed feelings—I would have thought (silently) many sour grape things, including:

- Oh sure, and then the diaper leaks...
- ...all over the outfit that you picked that I didn't like anyway.
- And also, if you had out your phone for the stopwatch, how did you handle the hygiene factor of that?
- And also, also, pretty sure my best time (no leaks) was 18 seconds. Suckah.

Now, presumably, Mark's wife Priscilla Chan is more mature than I was as a new mom. But generally, when your maternal instincts kick in, so do territorial ones. It's natural to be possessive and to want to be the best in your house at All Things Baby. But I'm telling you: Get over it. Because...
One: There will absolutely be aspects of parenting that your partner does better than you do. And eventually you will appreciate that.
And, two: As mothers, we can't ask our partners to step up and then not give them bragging rights.

Fathers deserve to be proud of their parenting. Kids deserve to have fathers who are proud of their parenting. So boast away, Zuck. You're encouraging a lot of dads—and a lot of moms—to share both the job and the joy. And that's a great thing for everyone.

Expect a military baby boom in exactly nine months

Get it? Boom.

You've probably heard the great news that Defense Secretary Ash Carter recently announced that all branches of the U.S. Military will now grant 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers in the service. What you might not have heard is this big, huge, giant, ugly asterisk: 

*[big huge asterisk]

This actually downgrades the 18-week leave that was passed back in August for the Marines and the Navy. But, since it's the military, they're kind of regimented about the whole thing, and Navy/Marine mamas who become pregnant by the magical date of March 3 will still qualify for their 18 weeks. ("The date of pregnancy will be determined by a privileged medical care provider," according to this release from the Navy. Privileged? How?) Which means, I hope, that a whole lot of couples are doing their best to make it happen, and make it happen fast, so Thanksgiving can be extra thankful this year.

Official U.S. Navy file photo

The country's first uterine transplant (this one's not for the squeamish, but man is it cool)

The groundbreaking team of surgeons at work. Photo courtesy of The Cleveland Clinic

How completely amazing is this? Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic performed America's first uterus transplant this week, as part of clinical trial on patients with Uterine Factor Infertility (UFI). The surgery, which took nine hours, was performed on a 26 year old. UFI affects women who cannot carry a pregnancy either because they were born without a uterus, or theirs doesn't function.

That's all the Cleveland Clinic is saying at the moment, at least until the press conference next week, but I'm fascinated, and of course I can't help wondering: Who would volunteer to go first? Who is this 26 year old? You don't need a uterus to live, after all. But this woman...she must really want a baby, and she must really want to carry it herself.

A bunch of the women I interviewed for my book did IVF, or adopted, or tried for years to have a baby one way or another before succeeding. Those babies? They were really wanted. And those mothers? Their Fifth Trimester experiences were not markedly different than anyone else's—except for one thing: their expectations. They expected to be so happy, so on cloud nine, that when things got hard or felt uncomfortable, they were more likely to be upset with themselves for not loving the whole experience of motherhood. But babies are babies (they cry, they don't speak much English). And jobs are jobs (they require hard work, sometimes at annoying hours). And those realities have nothing to do with the road that got you to motherhood. 

So 26-year-old amazingly brave lady: Good for you. I hope it all goes well and you change the medical world and have the baby you must want so badly. And I hope when you are healed and back up and at 'em, and maybe even back at your job, you know this: It's okay not to love every single moment of being a working mother...and to still love your kid extraordinarily.

I have a theory about rough maternity leaves...

Crustacean Will, at four months...

...and Teddy, exactly 3 Halloweens later

Apparently, I'm fertile in late September. Both of my boys were June babies, with Teddy actually due on Will's third birthday. So, both of my maternity leaves were over the summer. And both of my guys fit into the same un-Kosher lobster costume for their first Halloween at age 4.5 months, about six weeks after I'd returned to work. That's where the similarities ended.

You know how they say that a bad dress rehearsal means you'll have a stellar opening night? And that rain on your wedding day (thank you, Alanis) predicts a happy marriage? I'm quite certain that the same algorithm applies to maternity leaves. Because one of mine was brutally hard, with a pretty okay work reentry. And the other was exactly the opposite: blissfully awesome leave, more challenging return to work.

Which is not to say that if you enjoy your leave, it's going to be all crap and hell when you go back. More like: If you have a hard leave, know that work might actually make you feel steadier and more like yourself. And if you loved your time at home with your dreamy easy baby, be careful to manage your expectations a bit returning to the workplace. And either way, definitely order the lobster. 

See it, be it, kids!

Mom's ensemble could use a little work, but other than that, looking good! Photo via City Dads Group

You know what's even better than curvy Barbie? The new Stay-at-home dad Lego! I know, I know, it's a long three years until your newborn is able to play with such a choking hazard, so in the meantime, might I suggest a soothing bedtime reading of my friend Cristina Alger's brand new (and totally delightful) novel, This Was Not the Plan, about Charlie, a workaholic single-dad lawyer who ends up—er, ah, um—deciding to stay home with his adorably quirky son. Trying not to give away plot points but you catch my drift:
Stay-at-home fathers are having a major moment.

A HuffPost analysis of 2014 Census data estimated that 16% of stay-at-home parents are fathers. A less official analysis of my own T5T surveys and interviews for my book found that that 16% isn't enough—yet—to bust the cultural stigma that many men feel about being home with their babies when their wives go back to work.

One father I interviewed spoke so soulfully about his time at home with his infant daughter—and then asked that I keep him anonymous, lest future employers peg him as someone who opted out and isn't serious about his career. I asked my friend Lance Somerfeld, co-founder of City Dads Group, a multi-city network of SAHDs, for his advice for the guy (which easily applies to any moms heading back to work too): "It's normal to feel uncertainty about reentering the workforce after years of being an at-home parent," says Lance. "But being an at-home parent actually prepares you better than you think. The important parenting skills of time-management, love for learning, multi-tasking, and finding your inner child all help unlock a creative side that would be a valuable asset to many potential employers."

My take? Let's all seize upon this cultural "moment," Legos and all, not just as some novelty, but as an opportunity to break down any remaining stigma. We can do that at home by inviting the "should one of us stay home?" conversation, certainly. And at work...well, at work, don't be afraid to hire a former stay-at-home dad who supported his wife's career!